do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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