He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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