and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
