Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
