i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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