they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
