Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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