I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
