so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
