I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
