he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
