im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
