tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
