who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
