My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just found a bag of teeth...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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