There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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