I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
