Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
