wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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