News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
