Got a toothbrush?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize