The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
should my penis look like a turkey
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
