why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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