dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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