the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Is Oprah even human
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
