He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
