A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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