I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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