I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
