she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
