You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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