The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize