"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
