I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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