I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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