I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
