i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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