So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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