we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize