biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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