Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I have demons in me.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
