I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
