I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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