remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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