Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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