He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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