I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If I die, sorry about rent.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
