Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
