What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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