They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize