I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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