It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
