So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
