I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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