In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
