Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize