Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
