Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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