I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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