Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
