I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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