listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
