My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I want her autograph on my taint
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
