all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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