Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
