The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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